Monday, October 29, 2012

JOKES












MAKE WOMEN HAPPY - DEMERIT POINT SYSTEM EXPLAINED

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points.

Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
* You make the bed ....................+1

* You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0

* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1

* You leave the toilet seat up.............-5

* You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0

* When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1

* When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2

* You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5

* in the snow...............+8

* but return with beer..........-5

* and no liners....................-25

* You check out a suspicious noise at night....... 0

* You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0

* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5

* You pummel it with a six iron...........+10

* It's her cat.........................-40

AT A PARTY
* You stay by her side the entire party...... 0

* You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy...-2


* Named Tiffany.............-4

* Tiffany is a dancer...........-6

* With breast implants..............-18

HER BIRTHDAY
* You take her out to dinner................ 0

* You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1

* Okay, it is a sports bar..........-2

* And it's all-you-can-eat night....-3

* It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team......-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
* Go with a pal.........................+5

* The pal is happily married............+4

* Or frighteningly single...............-7

* And he drives a Ferrari...............-10

* With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)........-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
* You take her to a movie...............+2

* You take her to a movie she likes.....+4

* You take her to a movie you hate......+6

* You take her to a movie you like......-2

* It's called Death Cop 3...............-3

* Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....-9

* You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
* You develop a noticeable pot belly.............-15

* You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...............................+10

* You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.......-30

* You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."......-800

THE BIG QUESTION (a no win question)
* She asks, "Do I look fat?"

* You hesitate in responding.....-10

* You reply, "Where?"............-35

* Any other response.............-20

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:

* You listen, displaying a concerned expression...... 0

* You listen, for over 30 minutes....................+5

* You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..................................+100

* She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep....-200





THE RULES AS WRITTEN BY MEN


RULE # 1

Anything we say six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.



RULE # 2


If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.



RULE  #  3


If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.



RULE  #  4


It is neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.



RULE  #  5


Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how  can we know how pretty you are ?



RULE  #  6


You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.




RULE  #  7


Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-out.



RULE  #  8



Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.




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